Deep Gratitude

“Every moment presence shows me that I am already home
and I am so deeply grateful for this gift of love.” unknown

quote

Some days bring more contentment than others. I find that the feeling is softer and more  flowing if I am able to be internally still and quiet. In this space I do feel as if I am at home within myself and I become filled up with love.

“Home” is where we can take off the cloak of whatever we wear to get through the day, and we can relax into the stillness that wraps us up in a soft blanket of love. As concerns and worry also relax into this warmth we settle in to our “home”. “Home”  in the sense of the place where we can feel nurtured and safe. The place within us where we let everything fall away so that only the essence of our heart’s contents remain.

In this space of stillness and contentment the ups and downs of the day, the swing of emotions, the voices of doubt, fear, desire and worry come into balance with presence, stillness, gratitude, and “enough”.

Personally, I have to decide to go to this place, to let go of whatever I am holding on to and wallowing in. I have to put my trust in to something I can not even explain.  Sometimes it is difficult to trust the step towards gratitude and contentment because it often feels so elusive and unattainable. In fact, once the footing is made, it is not difficult to pause in the stillness of this place and breath deeply and rest there in the internal stillness. The something that fundamentally believes this moment is enough and full, lacking for nothing. It is difficult some days to be able to get there. It is nested within gratitude. Here I find big and little blessings in life and giving them the room they deserve to be powerful and worthy of being the shift in what I see and how I feel in the moment.

This one moment is what is. The memory I have of something different may be sweet and bring a smile to my face, but when the memory is replaced by a current event: the cat throwing up, the kitchen timer going off, the mailman knocking at the door, it may not even linger as a memory.

So today my Sunday day of rest is begun with a deep exhale and finding some stillness where I am able to reflect on the blessings I am gifted every day.  While there is no brightly wrapped box, the emotions are just about the same. Anticipation, discovery and gratitude.

This isn’t always easy for me, but I do have a very organic feeling that the awareness and effort does make a difference. A few moments of gratitude seem to be able to soften any negative thought or feeling as the perspective changes from what is lacking to what is.

Even within the challenges of recovering from an aneurysm there are places where it is possible to pause and change the perspective. Yes, recovery is hard work, sometimes even challenging.  Yet, it is possible to find the one spot where there is balance, even if it is fleeting. That sweet spot where gratitude tames restlessness and desire. Where the longing for being or doing something different detours to the scenic overlook where the simple act of being in this one spot allows for a wider panoramic view.

We may look back and longingly wish we could return to what we believe to be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to us, but in looking behind us we may miss the most most beautiful thing right in front of us. Maybe? I believe so.

Spring is in the air here in the Northeast. The light is different. The birds are singing more. The deer and other wildlife are scouting for food. I am recovering and experiencing deep gratitude that I am stronger than I know, and have more opportunities to hug those I love so dearly.

Enjoy your Sunday.

 

 

 

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Nourished

Sometimes I forget. I forget I need to be nourished. I forget I am no different from any other living thing. There are things I must have to thrive, to blossom, to succeed.

suna

Sunrise, March 3, 2027

Sometimes I forget. I forget I need a specific kind of nourishment. I put time and tender thought into living with certain intentions: to be loving, to be kind, to be compassionate, to be considerate, to be humble. I put time and tender thought into my job. Yet, it is so easy to forget I need to put the same, if not more, time and tender thought into remembering to be aware of, to feel the cycle of my breathing, the beating of my own heart and the tiny pauses between both. Those pauses, felt only in the fleeting moments of stillness and silence are the source of my nourishment. My source of renewal. Of healing. Of remembering.

“Even the smallest shift in perspective can bring about the greatest healing.”
~
Joshua Kai

Sometimes I forget about restoration. My restoration happens in those quiet, transitory pauses when I am able step out of the busy-ness of life and step away from “important” things and return to that which is timeless. My restoration happens when I am aware of the breath I take, when I feel the wondrous, rhythmic beating of my heart. It happens when I listen to my soft-spoken inner voice that has a connection to that which is in a symbiotic relationship with the world, the universe. Something eternal. Here, in this restorative process I have the chance to be reminded of and reconnect with my heart’s calling.

The nourishment of my “being” is about balance. It is about finding the balance that includes stillness and silence walking in unison with my daily life. It is about acute awareness of those pauses that ensure my heart will be open in order to love and serve others, but also to love and serve myself.

“The warm and radiant yes of the heart is perfect, like the sun,
in bringing all things to life and nourishing all that is truly human.”
~John Welwood

What I’ve been reading:  This Week

Through The Eye of Someone Else

“Sometimes the easiest way to appreciate ourselves
is by looking through the eye of someone who loves us.”
~Tara Brach

2 28edited2

(Feb. 28, 2015)

I carry a fair share of self doubt and lack of confidence around. I am prone to feeling I could have/should have done more. I trip over thoughts about whether I am smart enough, creative enough. We all have thoughts of self doubt and experience lack of confidence.

During the past few years I’ve been working on listening to others…hearing them and the words they speak. I try not to interrupt or interject my thoughts and perspectives. I try to listen through their experiences not through mine.

Curiously, there have been a handful of times when the words I heard opened my own heart and gifted me an unexpected blessing: to be able to appreciate myself by looking through the eye of someone who loves me.

The experiences were humbling. The insight made me feel foolish for wallowing in self doubt and holding tight to the lack of confidence.

When those pesky thoughts of doubt and uncertainty creep into my thoughts I take that little, tiny moment, like the pause between a breath, and recall those life stirring words. I am uplifted.

The words that provided this new lens to look through, to see how others saw and felt about me were not grandiose, ego inflating words of praise. They were the words my daughter shared about when she  had her own moment of insight into her love for us, her parents. They were the words of my son who thanked us for being who we are and raising him as we did. They were the words of a niece who commented that I seemed so comfortable with who I was. They were the words of a young parent who was grateful for my stories of parenting. They were the words of a friend who thanked me for friendship. Words and thoughts that could have fallen victim to the spell of doubt and lack of self esteem if I had not had the courage to listen to the spoken words and hear them. To hear them as the individual’s personal truth that could not be subjected to my self doubt. I am guilty of sometimes feeling my love is not strong enough, that my choices may be flawed, that my perspectives may be unbalanced, that my caring for a friend may not be strong enough. Self doubt at full strength.

Listen to and hear the words offered to you that unlock the lens to see through the eye of one who loves you. Understand that you are of importance to others and take a breath in and allow yourself to appreciate you for the person you are. The real person you are. Unadorned, imperfect, growing, fallible, honest, truthful, rough around the edges, caring. It matters. Those may be the qualities that matter most to those who love you. They may be part of your secret beauty.

“When we see the secret beauty of anyone,
including ourselves, we see past our judgment and fear
into the core of who we truly are –
not an entrapped self but the radiance of goodness.”
~ Tara Brach