Deep Gratitude

“Every moment presence shows me that I am already home
and I am so deeply grateful for this gift of love.” unknown


Some days bring more contentment than others. I find that the feeling is softer and more  flowing if I am able to be internally still and quiet. In this space I do feel as if I am at home within myself and I become filled up with love.

“Home” is where we can take off the cloak of whatever we wear to get through the day, and we can relax into the stillness that wraps us up in a soft blanket of love. As concerns and worry also relax into this warmth we settle in to our “home”. “Home”  in the sense of the place where we can feel nurtured and safe. The place within us where we let everything fall away so that only the essence of our heart’s contents remain.

In this space of stillness and contentment the ups and downs of the day, the swing of emotions, the voices of doubt, fear, desire and worry come into balance with presence, stillness, gratitude, and “enough”.

Personally, I have to decide to go to this place, to let go of whatever I am holding on to and wallowing in. I have to put my trust in to something I can not even explain.  Sometimes it is difficult to trust the step towards gratitude and contentment because it often feels so elusive and unattainable. In fact, once the footing is made, it is not difficult to pause in the stillness of this place and breath deeply and rest there in the internal stillness. The something that fundamentally believes this moment is enough and full, lacking for nothing. It is difficult some days to be able to get there. It is nested within gratitude. Here I find big and little blessings in life and giving them the room they deserve to be powerful and worthy of being the shift in what I see and how I feel in the moment.

This one moment is what is. The memory I have of something different may be sweet and bring a smile to my face, but when the memory is replaced by a current event: the cat throwing up, the kitchen timer going off, the mailman knocking at the door, it may not even linger as a memory.

So today my Sunday day of rest is begun with a deep exhale and finding some stillness where I am able to reflect on the blessings I am gifted every day.  While there is no brightly wrapped box, the emotions are just about the same. Anticipation, discovery and gratitude.

This isn’t always easy for me, but I do have a very organic feeling that the awareness and effort does make a difference. A few moments of gratitude seem to be able to soften any negative thought or feeling as the perspective changes from what is lacking to what is.

Even within the challenges of recovering from an aneurysm there are places where it is possible to pause and change the perspective. Yes, recovery is hard work, sometimes even challenging.  Yet, it is possible to find the one spot where there is balance, even if it is fleeting. That sweet spot where gratitude tames restlessness and desire. Where the longing for being or doing something different detours to the scenic overlook where the simple act of being in this one spot allows for a wider panoramic view.

We may look back and longingly wish we could return to what we believe to be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to us, but in looking behind us we may miss the most most beautiful thing right in front of us. Maybe? I believe so.

Spring is in the air here in the Northeast. The light is different. The birds are singing more. The deer and other wildlife are scouting for food. I am recovering and experiencing deep gratitude that I am stronger than I know, and have more opportunities to hug those I love so dearly.

Enjoy your Sunday.




I Surrender

“Change is the essence of life;
be willing to surrender what you are
for what you could become.”

Reinhold Niebuhr

sweet surrender

(photograph by me)

Trying to always have control of things and situations in this life is exhausting. Yet it’s something we all do. There is comfort in planning, knowing what to expect, knowing what and how to prepare. There is a sense of security and control in trying to keep the past locked up, contained, guarded. During the last few years I have been trying very hard to surrender to “not knowing” in the most conscious and unwavering way possible. I have changed my life course a bit. I’m at a place, a fork in the road that I have only been able to get to by going down various paths, through the previous experiences in my life. My traveling companions were anxiety, worry, fear, self doubt, mistrust, anger, resentment. I refueled myself as often as I could with love, support, trust, patience and hope. Road signs along the way began to indicate there was a new destination ahead. I took that little curve at the fork.

Along the way, a type of leaning in to the present moment began to develop. The sweet surrender of allowing the past to be the past, the future to have bits be unknown, and the present to be lived in the here and now, began to ripen into something that could thrive and flourish without me having to be in control of everything. I began to travel this road with a gentle belief there was a destination ahead, yet at the same time I was OK with not knowing exactly what the destination was or when it would be reached. I began to enjoy the moment, enjoy the scenery. Enjoy the journey.

I am an evolving piece of creation. As that, I am also a tiny speck in the universe that is of little significance. As I come to see myself as such, the peace of mind that comes with that realization is liberating. I do not need an overly inflated ego to tell me I am anything different. I do not need to be in control of everything. It is not even possible. And with this acceptance and understanding comes a quiet peace.

So, I wave the white flag with courage and spirit knowing that change is the essence of life. I surrender to let go of what I am in order to become what I might be.