Wow. I’ve been on a long, winding road of recovery and therapies. Honestly, I never knew very much about brain aneurysms before. Now I do. I’m doing really well. Therapies and therapists have mostly given me back a functioning body. Exhaustion, wobbly balance, a bit of confusion and an unsure memory are still my daily companions, but my arms and legs work!!
I struggle most with impatience and sorrow. I have “lost” so much time in my life. There are things I don’t remember. Even the moments that I know were filled with love and joy…some of them are just gone.
I reached a point where the gratitude of waking up in the morning in my own home and bed, with my sweet husband by my side was tempered with a lingering sadness. “Things” were different and in this case I didn’t feel like different was good. So, I asked Bruce to build me a small table that I could use as a personal “alter”. I draped it with the beautiful silk scarf from the 1,000 Goddess Gathering (information about the scarf from 1000 Goddess Gathering) (Gathering Information) Kwan Yin, the “Goddess of Mercy, One Who Perceives the Sounds of the World” silently keeps watch near by.
On my alter I have a gathering of things of personal and spiritual importance, and a hand drawn, framed picture I did with all the “prayers and blessings”, quotes and poems that have deep meaning to me…..things that help me focus on what matters most to me. I go through my own ritual in the morning that helps to set the tone of my day by focusing on blessings I have already received and reminders of how to walk gently, with humility and compassion through the day. After only a few days even my husband noticed a difference: he said I seemed less anxious, more calm/at peace, open and hopeful.
I haven’t even been able to do a blog post for the past two weeks as my emotions and fears are being so out-spoken. Here I am now, putting out there a very personal post about the spiritual side of me. It has changed me. And I am curious to know if others, you, do a morning routine to help set the course of the day. For me this is different from yoga, which also has a very healing effect on my mind and body. What I am talking about goes to a different place in my being.
Before I get out bed I give thanks: “with a grateful heart I give thanks for another day of loving.”
At my little alter I begin with some breaths. I shake my beautiful raku rattle with a butterfly on it. Lots of symbolism in butterflies and rattles are used in many prayer/spiritual circles to send blessings, prayers on their way. So I breath deeply and shake my little butterfly rattle. It was a tender, thoughtful birthday gift from my husband and children, and I just love it!
I begin with some of my favorite poems and thoughts:
Two poems from John O’Donohue:
“May I rest in the silent moments, reach out to share joy and laughter. May I pause in the moment to see and experience wonder. In this moment and the next, may I remember to give and accept love, to allow and rest in stillness.”
“May the nourishment of the earth be mine. May the clarity of light be mine. May the flowing fluency of the ocean be mine. May the protections of the ancestor’s be mine. And so, may a slow wind work the words of love around me, an invisible cloak to mind my life.”
Then I move into the words of the Navajo Blessing Way prayer: ( here: Navajo Blessing Way) I change out the nouns, sentiments as I am moved to so so.
And then I do the Metta Prayer, sometimes referred to as The Loving Kindness prayer: it includes saying the prayer for yourself as well as others who touch your life.
And this: “Hamsa”
“Let no sadness come to this heart. Let no trouble come to these arms. Let no conflict come to these eyes. Let my soul be filled with the blessings of joy and peace.”
There are a few more words, prayers/poems I say, sending love and kindness out to others and the world.
I quietly set intentions for the day : charity, sharing, taking care of others. I breathe deeply , letting go of any feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment, jealousy, fear.
“Breathing in I calm my body. Breathing out I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment.” Thich Nhat Hanh
Sometimes I do a few yoga poses or dance! to ground myself.
This is obviously all very personal and relevant to me, but perhaps not you. That’s okay.
This has been important to me on this path of healing and wellness….I am reminded about the many blessings I receive daily and reminded to see myself and others in a gentle light.
I will add this: while I would never wish this on anyone as it has been scary and difficult, I do understand that I have grown in ways I would not have otherwise grown. By necessity and peace of mind I have had to make friends/peace with my own pain/suffering, sadness, fears, loss and grief. I have learned to be open to being cared for and taken care of instead of being the one to do those things. I have practiced over and over asking for what I need and not feeling like I am being a pest or bothersome. I have had to ask for help in tending to personal care and learn that it is neither embarrassing to ask for help, nor is it a failing or weakness. It just is. I have had to let go of wanting things to be a certain way, because they are not going to be. The house doesn’t always get cleaned up the way I want, but it is clean. The dishes and laundry get done and the floor gets swept, mopped and vacuumed. I have to graciously refrain from some things (driving, showering when no one is home, using the stars, going outside when no one is home) for safety reasons and abide by those things with a measure of gratitude rather than frustration because I know they are in place because of love and concern over my safety and well being.
With a sense of awe and gratitude I have become very aware of the depth of the love and care friends and family hold for me. And my doctor who has made house calls to care for me! They are the “village” it is taking to heal me. ( Like: “It takes a village to raise a child.”) They are the friends and family who drive me places and to appointments, sit with me at home while Bruce works, plant my vegetable garden, take the cat to the vet, bring food, send story tapes over, play board games, set up baking days with me, come to my home to do yoga and embodiment with me, go grocery shopping for me, rub my feet, clip my toenails, scratch my back, help me in and out of twisted shirts and dresses, tie my shoes, call to ask if I’m okay in this heat, tend to me, asked and unasked, in a hundred ways, with full hearts and joyful smiles . They dry my tears and give me hugs. I am humbled. I take none of this for granted. I am overwhelmed and over flowing with love and kindness.
So, as each new day rises up and my sleepy eyes open I give deep thanks for not only medical care, therapists and help around the house, but for being loved. Surely, it is a gift and a blessing to be loved to the depth I experience. And that is why I also include a prayer of gratitude for being given another day of loving. I get to give love back!!
Thank you sweet family and friends, for supporting me on this journey with so much love and tenderness. I am blessed to sit in front of my alter and reflect on all of this.